Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Friday, September 7, 2012
- How many chairs should I set up?
- Should I let people go upstairs or confine the barbeque to a downstairs outdoor living area?
- Which music should I play?
- How loud should it be?
- When should we turn it on?
- Should we have a kids' table?
- How big should it be?
- How many children are attending?
- Do my friends have children?
- How many toilets should be accessible?
- Plastic or foam cups?
- Should I invite two people with the same name?
- Or will that just be confusing?
- If I just invite one of them, which one should I invite?
- Should it be based on the length of time I have known them or the amount of time I’ve spent with them?
- Which is the more important factor?
- What is the average tolerable decibel rate for the barbeque?
- Should I invite people whose voices have a similar frequency?
- Should I wear a jumper?
- If I get too hot, should I take it off?
- Will that make me unidentifiable to guests?
- Should I have a St. John’s Ambulance on standby?
- Or will that unnerve the guests?
- Should I offer sunscreen?
- Should I make a record of who abuses my generosity?
- Should I supply clean drinking water?
- If there’s a bird’s nest somewhere in the barbeque area, should I remove it?
- Will it be distracting for the guests?
- Should I allow headwear in the house?
- Should I tell guests that I will supply alcohol and then charge them for the alcohol?
- Should guests be allowed to bring their non-biological children?
- Or do I just want the numbers?
- Does a dog count as a guest?
- If so, how many dogs do I know?
- Will the dogs need their own toilet?
- Which toilet should I allocate to the dogs?
- What do I do if there’s a rabies outbreak amongst the dogs at my barbeque?
- Should I invite dogs?
- What conversation topics should I allow at my barbeque?
- Should I allow any conversation?
- Should I allow the television to be turned on?
- Can only sports-related programs be on?
- Would a documentary be too engaging?
- Which novelty apron should I wear?
- If the novelty apron is not appreciated should I change into a normal apron or stand my ground?
- Should women be allowed to use the barbeque?
- What time should dessert be served?
- Can it be an alcohol-based dish or will that alienate the younger guests?
- Do I perhaps, want to alienate the younger guests?
- I was alienated as a child and I turned out fine.
- How do I end the barbeque?
- Do I set a time or just let the barbeque peter out?
- Or will Peter let himself out?
- Should I assist this petering out by gradually withdrawing food, chairs and toilet access?
- Should I lower the oxygen levels?
- Should I make passive-aggressive comments while washing the dishes after refusing assistance from guests?
- How do I behave if guests want to stay for dinner?
- Will I base my behaviour on the rapport I have with the guest or what they have brought to the barbeque?
- Will I have a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought anything?
- Can you have rice at a barbeque?
- Can I trust anyone to watch the barbeque if I am engaged?
- Can I trust anyone at the barbeque?
- Should I have a barbeque?
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Caleb was an ear of corn with a bad attitude.
His hands were sweaty, his head was large, he had an Interesting Collection of Celebrity Eyelashes (including Tina Turnip, Sonny and Pear, The Parsnip Family and and popular singer-turned-soup ingredient Peter Carrot) and he never forgot whose were whose, even when they were all jumbled up inside a thimble on his corn-sized writing desk.
He was an ‘ear’ of corn but had terrible hearing skills. He would have heard that as ‘terrible smearing skills’ which would have been passionately contested, as every second Sunday he attempted to create Brilliant Works Of Art using his fists and some leftover old hot dogs from his uncle's Leftover Old Hot Dogs Factory.
Only his neighbour, The Ear of Corn’s Athletic Neighbour, could decipher meaning behind these works. In his opinion they were usually about sports. Or fitness. Or exertion. Or dedication. Or grass and long socks. Or diets.
Caleb would sew costumes for friends, but they were all quite self-indulgent costumes of himself so they Weren’t Very Popular.
Caleb and His Athletic Neighbour sometimes went on picnics and one of them would bring just an empty melon rind. It was a hilarious joke. They always ended up pining for melon though.
One evening at his part time job at The Boring Board Games Shop as Boring Shop Assistant #7, Caleb was pushed over by a gypsy who was trying to steal 14 copies of ‘Trouble: The Really Boring Version’.
This got Caleb thinking.
Thinking about gypsies, thinking about the 14 now missing copies of ‘Trouble: The Really Boring Version’ and thinking about how he consisted of merely A Collection Of Kernels On A Cob.