Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Touchable Cactus.

My Uncle Cornelius began taking cooking classes after his wife left him for An Open Armed Oak Tree. He missed Cooking Lesson Two: Pears with Michael De Shares due to a common cold he had contracted from An Adventure Late At Night In A Chilly Environment, and was too embarrassed to return for Lesson Three: Spinach with Margaret Tinach as it required ‘Pears With Michael De Shares’ as a pre-requisite and he didn’t know what a pre-requisite was. Thus, he held only the knowledge from Lesson One: How To Cook Sausage with David Rossage.

Sadly, my uncle had sneezed during David’s ridiculously short presentation on consumption - his cold from Lesson Two was in its early stages – and he wandered home with a burnt sausage and a drenched handkerchief.

He resorted to peeling the sausage like a banana - and continued to at Future Dinnertimes - as was suggested by his housekeeper at the time, An Ape He Deeply Respected (who soon after lost the housekeeping position due to the large amount of browning fruit strewn around Cornelius’ shoebox of an apartment).

His hands were greasy, his heart was heavy, he knew nothing about pears and he no longer had an ape to tend to his ever-growing collection of succulents who was happy to be paid in faux-suede vests, but Cornelius knew that attending Wednesday night’s ‘Lemon Cheesecake with Rachel Sneezenake’ would be
A Beneficial Event.

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