Monday, August 22, 2011

The Neighbours Game.

A kaleidoscope once set me a challenge. If I could encourage enough cicadas to be quiet at night time – night time was Kaleidoscope’s time to take drugs and look into a mirror while saying ‘wow’ – he would give me several shards of his favourite Pieces of Coloured Plastic From Within so that I could complete my dazzling mosaic portrait of hard-hitting reporter and tv personality Larry Emdur.

I needed to somehow convey his audacity and vivaciousness, but currently he didn’t have any eyes - just dark, empty hollows which looked really horrible and caused much unrest for myself and the majority of my neighbours, as the piece was 25mx40m and draped obnoxiously over my apartment building.

The cicadas were my friends, but were also Extremely Irritating. Whilst intricately working on my Masterpiece Mosaic late at night by candlelight using my six-tiered watchmaker’s eye piece, they would sporadically shout off-putting remarks, causing me to flinch and glue to smear, porcelain to shatter and Larry Emdur’s face to look more like the face of A Much Less Attractive And Charismatic Man.

His ‘The Price is Right’ hosting days were definitely his finest.

It turned out the majority of the cicadas were Heavily Interested in barbecues and barbecuing, and most of them Barbecue Students completing a Barbecue Short Course during the day at the Local Barbecue Academy.

Units included:
- Barbecue Maintenance and Cleaning
- Kebab Konstruction
- History
- Novelty Aprons
- Women and Barbecues: Should women be allowed to use barbecue?
- Sausage Sizzles And Society
- Gas Bottles
- Sun Safety and Zinc Application
- Barbecues Around The World

I cleverly organised 16 barbecue-related Evening Excursions (with the help of my grandfather who was a mini-bus) to Local Barbecue Areas, gigs of hip-and-happening band The Burnt Sausages, the National Young Feminists Conference… Hours and hours of evenings were now filled with silence and minibus exhaust fumes.

“Give me my shards, sir.”

“Ahh-haha, but I can still faintly hear those ‘cadas. One of your grandfather’s back windows is open.”

“Just put on some psychedelic music, you old hippy. Larry Emdur looks like a creep.”
“Well I am a big fan of Iris And The Retinas’ new album ‘Seesaw’. Might as well put it on, if the turntable’s not broken again. Relevant title. Ha ha.”

Nine days later Larry was tragically destroyed by a group of overly boisterous badgers on bicycles.

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