Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Holiday Activities For Beginners.

On the two week holiday from my part-part-time degree ‘Maze Book Illustrating for Beginners: There’s A Lot of Money in Maze Books’, I decided, as a hobby, to invest in a telescope in order to spy on my Seedy Neighbours. I also purchased a microscope to inspect the activities of my smaller, less-seedy, in-house companions.

One bleak afternoon, I was mid-way through shouting “Mrs Ant’s getting undressed!” to my flatmate at the time, A Demon Who Couldn’t Say No (whose days were compiled of hours of errands for The Elderly, His Mother, Brick Walls With Too Many Bricks Missing - technically deemed ‘Pile of Bricks’ - and The Man With The Mismatched Suit), when The Sun (who obviously wanted a bit of attention) fell out of the sky and slightly damaged My Brand New Telescope which was protruding out of the window and into The Neighbours’ poppy seed encrusted lounge room.

My spying days were over and we were plunged into darkness…until Mr Ant flicked on his television and we all crowded around my microscope to watch An Interesting And Surprisingly Audible Mini-Series Due To The Ants Having A Very Good Sound System As A Result Of Mr Ant’s Recent Promotion At The Crumb Transportation Factory.
The mini-series appeared to be exploring the controversial combination of badgers and bicycles.

EPISODE 1: “Should bikes be built for badgers?”

EPISODE 2: “If a badger wanted to purchase a bike, should custom-made bikes be constructed for badgers?”

EPISODE 3: “Should badger-sized bikes be produced?”

"WHY ARE THEY REWORDING THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!? GIVE US SOME ANSWERS!!"

shouted The Usually Quite Reserved Seedy Neighbour #3, spluttering pumpkin seeds all over Mr and Mrs Ant’s tiny lounge room and damaging two of their front windows.

I agreed that the topics raised were Extremely Similar, but I was a big fan of Repetition at the time – the concept and name of my elderly uncle’s bagpipe/accordion band – so was pleasantly indulged, but other members of our sun-deprived group were becoming rather exasperated.

“WHY DO BADGERS EVEN NEED BIKES!? THEY TUNNEL, DON’T THEY?”

To calm everyone down I attempted to put one of Repetition’s least popular recordings onto Mr Ant’s tiny DJ Picnic Basket autographed turntable, destroying in the process with my stubby, oversized fingers the Ants’ recent kitchen renovations.

Mr Ant twisted around in his armchair made of a thimble and looked up at us with Much Annoyance.


Fin.

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