Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Caleb: A Portrait

Caleb was an ear of corn with a bad attitude.

His hands were sweaty, his head was large, he had an Interesting Collection of Celebrity Eyelashes (including Tina Turnip, Sonny and Pear, The Parsnip Family and and popular singer-turned-soup ingredient Peter Carrot) and he never forgot whose were whose, even when they were all jumbled up inside a thimble on his corn-sized writing desk.

He was an ‘ear’ of corn but had terrible hearing skills. He would have heard that as ‘terrible smearing skills’ which would have been passionately contested, as every second Sunday he attempted to create Brilliant Works Of Art using his fists and some leftover old hot dogs from his uncle's Leftover Old Hot Dogs Factory.

Only his neighbour, The Ear of Corn’s Athletic Neighbour, could decipher meaning behind these works. In his opinion they were usually about sports. Or fitness. Or exertion. Or dedication. Or grass and long socks. Or diets.

Caleb would sew costumes for friends, but they were all quite self-indulgent costumes of himself so they Weren’t Very Popular.

Caleb and His Athletic Neighbour sometimes went on picnics and one of them would bring just an empty melon rind. It was a hilarious joke. They always ended up pining for melon though.

One evening at his part time job at The Boring Board Games Shop as Boring Shop Assistant #7, Caleb was pushed over by a gypsy who was trying to steal 14 copies of ‘Trouble: The Really Boring Version’.

This got Caleb thinking.

Thinking about gypsies, thinking about the 14 now missing copies of ‘Trouble: The Really Boring Version’ and thinking about how he consisted of merely A Collection Of Kernels On A Cob.

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